


After the War

by blueleviathan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-20 03:44:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15525312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueleviathan/pseuds/blueleviathan
Summary: Loosely inspired by Hitomi/H-eichi's FlowerAfter the war, Erwin retires. Levi follows him.





	1. Chapter 1

Erwin leaves the Capital after his resignation. Only Hange knew, he had sent Levi away on assignment beyond the walls two months ago. He detours to his parents’ graves, having cleared his office of personal effects long ago. Having outlived both them and his comrades, his thoughts again turn dark and suicidal. 

He arrives back at his house in Trost in the dead of night. He pays the driver a generous tip and nods a smile.

“Here will do.”

“Are you sure, sir?” The rain is coming down hard now and the driver pinches his eyebrows in concern. 

“It’s just up the road. Thank you.”

He climbs out and walks out into the darkness. The roar of the water is deafening. The river bordered this section of town and he treads alongside it, crossing the footbridge towards his house. The rainy season caused the flood waters to run high and fast. 

He pauses and stares long and hard at the edge. If he were to step off, how long before he’d drown?

Levi appears in front of him at that moment in full uniform, grey eyes shining in the street lamps beneath the shadow of his hood. They take in one another, soaking wet in the process.

Erwin doesn’t speak and brushes past him off the bridge. He feels Levi following him. There are murmurings as Levi trails behind him through the streets. That’s Commander Erwin and Captain Levi. 

He unlocks his front door and leaves it open for Levi. Gray eyes observe the inside of his house. Though it was recently cleaned from the partial rebuild, it had the appearance of not being lived in at all. Levi shuts the door and immediately takes off his boots, gear, and cloak. Erwin disappears into the house and lights the candles. 

Levi keeps on his uniform pants and wears his shirt unbuttoned after bathing. Erwin bathes after him. 

When he reemerges, Levi is sitting on the edge of his bed, reading his bedside book. Erwin gives him a long, strange look. 

“Tell me why you’re here, Levi.” 

“To make sure you don’t kill yourself.” The answer is without hesitation and devoid of emotion. 

He doesn’t deny or affirm it. Levi shuts the book and gets up. “Am I wrong?” he murmurs, coming closer to him. 

Erwin’s never been quite this close to see the gray flecks of his irises. His pupils were dilated. 

“Levi-”

Someone was at the door; Levi hears it through the rain. He goes to the hunting cabinet downstairs and pulls out the 22 gauge and quickly releases the break-action to load a round. He strides to the foyer and swings open the front door, barrel pointed. Erwin follows silently. 

At his feet lay a hundred flowers, covering each step. Levi’s body language changes and he lowers the firearm and gazes out into the darkness. He picks up one the bouquets, pale pink petals dancing within his grasp and stares at it under damp bangs. He extends it towards Erwin.

“Thank you for your service... Commander.” 

 

Levi isn’t in the house when he wakes. He slowly gets up and looks out back in the courtyard. He’s hanging laundry outside, both his and Levi’s. Had he returned to base to collect his things?

By the time Erwin gets dressed and goes downstairs, Levi is in the kitchen. There is a broom discarded against the wall. The place looked cleaner. Levi has his sleeves rolled up to the elbow and a handkerchief tied loosely around his neck. His fingers deftly run down a thyme stem, releasing the leaves into the simmering pot below. 

It’s a gentle and dexterous movement, the same fingers that gripped blades and felled beasts. He wonders if his touch would be tender or unforgiving with a lover. 

“What are you staring at?” he asks without looking up. “I never took you for such a slothful man in your retirement.”

“And I take it you are just as dutiful in yours?” Erwin smiles warmly, masking his true question. 

Levi doesn’t meet his eyes. “Set the table.”

“I’m glad you’re here, Levi.” 

He looks as if he wants to make a scathing retort but when he finally turns, taking in Erwin’s attire and the expression on his face, he thinks better of it.

They eat in silence. Sheep and carrot stew; a familiar aroma from the Survey Corps kitchens, always the luxury before an expedition. 

“What will you do with all the flowers?” After they finish, Levi nurses hot tea with one hand, his other slung over the back of the chair.

“Will you ride with me today?”

“Where to?”

“I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know when I find it.”

They lend two mares from the stables in the Southern District. Levi follows silently behind as they gallop through the open fields beyond the wall westward. 

There, in plain view of a crumbling Maria, Erwin pulls on the reins and halts to a stop. He breathes in the air. 

“Here.”

“What about it?” Confusion mars Levi’s stoic gaze upon the dirt and grass as he rights his mare beside him. 

“A memorial.”

Levi nods, hair blowing in the wind.

 

Levi sits in his bathtub that night, head lolling back as he runs a hand through the wet strands of his hair, neck exposed. Two knives rest neatly atop his folded clothes nearby. Erwin reads the letter on his bureau to him from the next room, his low voice and the candlelight flickering shadows upon his walls the only things filling the space.

“It's good,” Levi praises, in his own quiet way.

“I'll leave it here for you to sign.”

Levi pauses. Erwin thinks he's about to decline but he sits up. The sound of water gently lapping against his skin echos the empty house. “All right.”

He gets up and Erwin looks away from his pale back, rising himself to gather a seal and wax. Levi reemerges with an unbuttoned shirt and loose pants. Instead of signing, he pulls his empty sleeve towards the bath. 

“Strip and sit. I'll wash your back.”

Erwin complies, the ache in his arm and the hollow in his chest making him too tired to resist. The exhaustion in his bones doubles as his body meets the water. 

Warm fingers press into his nape. “Lean forward.” His voice had become quieter.

The wash cloth scrapes down his spine, up and back again, dips in the water, and repeats. The heat was getting to his head. He rests his face into his hand, planting his elbow firmly against the ceramic. Fingers trail over the scars on his side and over his right shoulder. Erwin tenses. Levi pours water over his head, a baptism of sorts. Strong fingers comb his hair back. Water runs down his lips and over his nostrils. It’s a moment more before he can open his eyes and speak.

“I can do the rest. I might fall asleep like this.”

“Then sleep.” The reply is firm and gentle. “I'll wake you when it's over.”

“Are you afraid I might drown myself if I'm alone?” he jokes darkly.

The hands pause for a fraction and regret immediately sets in.

“Sorry. That was inappropriate of me.” Levi tugs his hair back until the curve of his cranium rests against the edge. 

“Just shut your mouth and let me do this.”

The cloth runs from chin to throat and down his collar bone; Erwin shivers and stares at the ceiling as darkness takes him. He drifts in and out of consciousness. When he wakes his hair has been washed and rinsed. Levi is now sitting facing him, gently pressing soap lather into the inset of his palm, between his digits, cleaning under each nail. Bathing has been slower for him without an arm. Levi rinses his limb, letting water run across the tiles and down the floor drain.

“You're too good to me.” Levi pauses, eyes drifting up to his face, having been caught off guard.

“Have you forgotten who you are?”

Erwin doesn't have a reply. He hears, you've forgotten who you are to me. He doesn't have a reply, he can't. 

Levi stares into his eyes and seems to understand his silence. 

“Come. The water's getting cold.”

Erwin grips his hand as he moves to stand. 

“I…”

Levi waits. He stares at their hands. “I... am but half the man you deserve, Levi.”

Anger ghosts over Levi's expression before becoming impassive again. “I'll determine on my own what I deserve.”

Erwin sits on the edge of the bed completely nude and lets Levi towel his hair. “Read me the next chapter tomorrow.” He tilts his head towards the bedside book. It was one of his heretic books about pagan gods worshiped by ancients in the Northern Sea. The language was similar enough to theirs that he could translate the writing; he had seen Levi trying as well earlier.

Erwin nods. Levi gently pushes Erwin’s chest back. 

“Go to sleep, Commander.”

 

***

 

The castle was quiet save for the hiss of wind in the darkness. Erwin stands outside of Levi’s quarters and watches the candlelight flicker from under the door. He hesitates for the briefest of seconds before gently knocking. There’s a long pause, and he can hear Levi weighing the prospects of not answering, before the Captain eventually swings the door back.

He catches Levi’s surly expression before his eyes travel up to his face, eyes widening the slightest. The other man had just bathed, towel around his neck, hair damp, and dressed down in uniform without his jacket or gear. 

“Good evening, Captain.”

Levi’s nostrils flare with annoyance at his formality.

“Are you going to stand out here or come in?”

His grip tightens on the door as he steps to the side. Erwin catches him hiding his knife behind his back as he passes him. He pretends not to notice. The room is well kept and simple, he hadn’t seen it since Levi was promoted. 

“How’s your leg?”

Levi closes the door and locks it behind them with a little more force than necessary. He shifts briefly at the question.

“It’s fine.”

“Let me see it.”

Levi’s eyes narrow. Erwin half expects him to put up a fight, to ask him if it’s an order. He studies him briefly before exhaling sharply and sits back on the bed, deciding against it. The Captain looked tired in the dim light, shadows being cast onto a threadbare frown.

Erwin slowly takes off his black jacket and looks at the wall discreetly as Levi removes his boots, belt, then trousers. His white dress shirt hangs over the top of his thighs. He sits back and looks up at Erwin as he compares his left and right legs. The left was noticeably more swollen from the knee down.

“Until your strides even out, forgo the uniform and gear. Rest is the fastest way to recovery.”

Levi places a hand over his left knee and grips the tendons above it. It was unspoken that he would not be training without either item.

“Looks like I’ll be out for the count. I won’t be much use to you until then, Erwin.”

“I never said that,” he chides gently as he moves closer. “Lie face down and turn your hips towards me.”

Levi obeys and Erwin drapes his black jacket over his backside. 

“Such a gentleman,” he sneers, turning his head to watch him over the lapels of the fabric.

Erwin barks back a laugh as he sits beside him on the bed. “Are you making fun of me, Captain?” he murmurs, laying a hand on his calf.

He feels Levi tense immediately. 

“Sorry. Does this hurt?”

“No.” Levi is staring straight ahead at the other side of the room in concentration.

Erwin bends his leg back gently and maneuvers it onto his lap until his limbs scissor his body. His black jacket ends at Levi’s thigh and he starts there, pressing his fingers down. 

Levi shifts and inhales sharply.

“Pain?”

He shakes his head shortly.

“Breathe, Levi. Tell me when it’s too much.”

He waits for Levi to take a few deep breaths before applying pressure again. Levi stays silent this time.

Erwin removes the balm he brought from his shirt pocket and pulls the towel loose from his neck. Levi watches as he places it between them on his lap. 

“This will reduce the swelling.”

He dips his finger into the warm liquid and firmly kneads each muscle group from back to front, following the lines of each ligament and tendon to where the bones meet. The lithe muscles were perfectly proportioned to his build. To think if Erwin were to press down and break bone, he would doom humanity for eternity. 

Levi bites down a hiss when he reaches the inside of his knee.

“Sorry,” he whispers.

“Stop saying that.”

He thumbs his knee apologetically. The measured, almost clinical, atmosphere from before suddenly drains from the room. This felt far more intimate, personal. 

He starts again, gentler. Levi must notice the change too. He buries his face in his arms and fights back from making any sound, only a halting exhale coming low from his throat.

Erwin wonders if this is what having sex with Levi would be like. Have any lovers seen him like this before, facedown in bed, half naked, breathing ragged from being touched?

Erwin stops himself. Why were his thoughts running indecent like this? He was the worst. He was going to hell. 

Levi is looking at him now, face twisted somewhere between pain and pleasure. His eyes are dark, as if seeing right through him. The balm dries soon enough and Erwin removes the towel and lays it over the bedpost.

“You fought well, Levi,” he says quietly. “I’m sorry about your squad.”

He gently lays Levi’s leg back down on the bed and extracts himself. Levi sit up immediately and catches his arm.

“Erwin.”

They stare at one another for a few heartbeats. The gray of his eyes shine in the candlelight.

“Thank you.” It’s soft, deep, assured.

For his ministrations, his condolences, or his worry he isn’t sure. He smiles mirthlessly and moves out of this reach. He blows out the candle and unlocks the door. 

“Go to sleep, Captain.”

Later, he stands under the shower until the water runs cold, bracing himself against the wall. He fists himself until he comes, breathing hard through his teeth and shuddering violently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written entirely for pleasure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark, thematic elements - be warned.

Lightning wakes him. There’s no thunder to follow, no rain. Levi’s figure silhouettes the window alcove, fast asleep, arms folded and head against the frame. Erwin wanted to reach out and touch him, he didn’t seem real. Another flash of light reveals dark circles under hooded eyes. He wonders how long it’s been since Levi’s slept properly. Erwin gets up and quietly dresses. When it’s apparent he won’t be waking, he drapes a blanket over Levi’s body and goes downstairs. 

The house looked haunted at night. Erwin lights a lantern. Colorful petals at the table juxtapose the dark, hollow lines of the room. Levi had bundled all the flowers together and soaked the stems in a large, shallow barrel. The sweet, sickening perfume teases his nostrils and coats his tongue. He runs his hand over the pink, lavender, and yellow hues. Lightning again turns them blue. 

Flowers for a dead man. 

Erwin quietly opens the door to the back porch and watches the sky. It was almost daybreak now. The rain had passed by not one, perhaps two, hours before. He sits on the steps overlooking the bare courtyard and sees the packet of cigarettes and matches he left tucked behind one of the reconstructed beams. 

He’s on his third smoke when he senses someone behind him. 

“Did you know your front door was unlocked the whole night?”

“Floch.”

The man produces a lopsided smile. “I’m just joking, sir. As your administrative assistant, I had a set of keys.” He gingerly places them in Erwin’s palm. “I was going to leave them on the table to prevent disturbing you.”

“Thank you.”

He looks Erwin up and down from behind his shock of blonde hair. “Have you been well, sir?”

“Do I look well?” he asks evenly. Floch hesitates, unsure of whether his former superior was making him uncomfortable on purpose or wishing for an honest answer. 

Erwin decides to have mercy on him and smiles. “Would you like one?” Floch purses his lips and eyes the cigarette in his mouth. “Take it for the road. I promise not to tell the Commander.”

Floch swallows and accepts the tin immediately. “Thank you, sir! Oh…” He replaces the gift in his leather bag with a stack of thick letters. “These are for you.”

“From Hange?”

“Yes. And various patrons, sir, among others.”

“I appreciate the trouble you went through to deliver them so early.”

“I… um…” Erwin looks up to study his face. Floch was nervous. “There’s a letter from me as well, since I don’t know when I’ll next see you. Please read it after I leave. I hope you can understand my feelings, I’m not as good with words as you.”

Erwin nods, keeping his face neutral. “I will.” Floch sighs in relief. Erwin chooses not to ask him about the Corps. He suspects Hange’s letter will have everything he needs to know, whether he wants to know it or not. Floch salutes him, they exchange farwells, and then he’s gone. 

The silence of the house meets him again and he relaxes his face, flopping backwards. Levi finds him smoking and contemplating as he stares up at the supporting beams of the overhang. Their eyes lock briefly, albeit upside down. 

“Look at you. Have you always been like this?”

Levi plucks the last of the cigarette from his lips and takes a long drag, laying his legs over the stairs. Erwin tilts his head and takes him in calmly, watching his parted mouth. He puts it out on the stone pavement a moment later. “This shit’s bad for you.”

Erwin quirks his mouth. Levi leans back on his arms. “Well? What did Floch want to tell you?” He can hear Levi’s veiled curiosity underneath his roughened voice from sleep. 

“I have an idea... but I don’t really know.” He wasn’t ready to reconnect with his old life through those letters, maybe not ever. He didn’t want to wear a mask again. 

“Want me to burn them?” Levi’s voice is serious. 

Erwin laughs joylessly and closes his eyes. After a long moment, he murmurs, “You know me so well.” He feels Levi’s eyes on him. Strong fingers gently pry his hand open and take the keys. When a warm weight sinks onto his belly, Erwin feels the air drain from him.

“Five minutes. For disturbing my sleep.”

His fingers try to card through Levi’s hair before he realizes he no longer has a right arm.

 

He tosses the bundled letters onto his bureau without a real care for where they land. Levi makes a face as dust flies up in the sunlight. “I’ll need to go into town for a courier. This should go to the Queen.” 

“You could have just given it to Floch.”

Erwin shakes his head. “I’d like to think it’s bigger than the Corps.”

Silence falls between them for a long moment. “I’ll take it to her.” Conflict and uncertainty cloud his eyes even as he speaks, betraying the confidence in his voice. “I have some unattended business in the Capital. It will take less than a day.”

Erwin doesn’t reply, though what remains unspoken between them electrifies the air. His mind drifts to the river, the razor in the bathroom, the-

“I’ve never been able to stop you. I still can’t.” Levi closes the distance between them and fists the front of his shirt, features raw with emotion. “I trust you,” he murmurs, softer. “I’ll be back tonight.”

He lets go and takes the envelope, leaving Erwin alone with the beautiful mess of his own mind. 

 

He sees no purpose in taking his meals that day without Levi. The letter lingers in the back of his mind for nearly eighteen hours until he finally has enough. Erwin sits at his desk and stares at the seal of Floch’s letter. Did Floch admire him for dedicating his life to mankind? Did he resent him for becoming a monster himself to fulfill that end? He was too broken of a man to find out. There were no words that he had not heard a thousand times over. The former was a lie, the latter was the truth. 

He holds the thin paper over the lighted candle and tosses it into the fireplace. It folds onto itself and turns black. The rain had started again and his jaw tightens. With each minute passing later and later into the night, he burns more and more unopened letters. His hand seizes when he sees the wings of freedom, fingers curling over the slanted script of his name.

E-r-w-i-n, his father had shown him at the kitchen table, hunched together with him over the parchment. Every time it was written from that moment forward, he had become less human. The writing was foreign to him now. 

A loud bang startles him and Levi strides into the room trailing water and mud. His wild expression is unreadable when his eyes find Erwin behind the desk, darting to his remaining hand, the candle, and the crackling papers in the fireplace. 

Erwin lets go of a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding in. It comes out more as a sob to his ears and deafens him. 

“Stand up,” Levi commands. He drops the riding bag onto the floor with a heavy thud, tears the cloak over his head, and stalks forward. He quickly removes his shirt, and starts unbuttoning Erwin’s. 

“You look like shit,” he rasps. 

He pushes him into the shower and warm water falls over both of them. Erwin doesn’t dare touch him. 

Levi was out of breath and shaking slightly, like he rode hard the entire way chasing demons in his mind. Hands wander his chest and search his body, as if looking for injuries. There’s a wet thump as he butts his forehead against his sternum and stops moving. Save for his ink wet hair, neither one of them touch the other. 

Erwin remotely registers in a tiny corner of his brain that the obsession to clean him must have some deeper meaning. Perhaps he couldn’t rid the filth beneath the flesh. It was something he would carry in his heart for as long as he lived.

Let me go, he wanted to cry. Let me be at peace. But his selfishness locks his jaw and blood runs down his throat. 

 

***

 

He sees the newly married wife of their greatest patron and supporter across the room full of people. She approaches him alone. Erwin reacquaintes the lady to Mike and introduces her to his Captain, Levi. She beckons him to come closer and he bends lower. He feels the oil of her makeup warm his cheek. 

Erwin keeps his face perfectly still as she whispers a salacious proposition into his ear, wanting him to do unspeakable things to her in return for what he valued most from her husband. He unknowingly looks up at himself past the fall of her curls across the room in the ornate mirror. 

The face of moral ambiguity, in decorative military dress, strands falling out of gold hair, wide, otherworldly eyes. He no longer recognized this person. 

Levi steps into his reflection and stares back at him, searching his face long and hard. Erwin envies him at that moment, eyes bright and unstained by the politics, the schemes, corruption. They don’t break one another’s gazes. He remembers who he is.

He lowers his eyes to the slender slope of her shoulder and politely declines. When he lifts his eyes again, Levi’s retreating figure is replaced by the leering stare of his companion in the opposing mirror. She slowly, sickeningly pulls him down closer until her lips meet the shell of his ear. 

“Your love for him will curse you.”

 

Mike shakes his head slightly after he’s poured a new glass of wine at the top of the hour. Poison or drugged, he asks silently in code.

Drugged. 

He makes his way towards the garden, shoulder coming too close to another guest. Red bleeds over a bed of roses. 

Later, he slowly navigates back to his guest room in the Capital’s military quarters. He was still able to walk straight and speak articulately. It was a dangerous game he was playing. One day, he might very well end up dead at the hands of another human. He thinks back to his father.

“Hey. Did you hear me or are you actually piss drunk?” It takes him a moment to realize Levi is speaking to him. 

“Take it easy,” Mike warns. 

Erwin smiles at his oldest friend, well aware that it probably didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re dismissed, Mike. Thank you.” The other man hesitates, eyes flicking between him and Levi. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t bite him,” Levi snarks. 

Mike grins easily as he turns on his heels. “Erwin’s not the one I’m worried about.” Levi’s expression quickly darkens.

“Would you like some tea? I think I need something to sober up.” He continues down the hall without waiting for an answer, expecting Levi to follow. 

Levi stiffly watches him move about the rented room from the single sofa as the kettle boils on the hearth. He tosses his military jacket onto the bed and heavily takes a seat on the matching pair diagonal to him. He pours two cups. 

“As you were.” He keeps his voice even, imploring him to continue. 

Levi stares at the tea and doesn’t take it, leaning back to rest a leg elegantly onto his other. “Somehow, I thought this night would end differently,” he starts, cautious. That wasn’t good enough for Erwin. 

“Meaning I wouldn’t be sleeping here?” he offers directly. When Levi’s eyes narrow, he presses on. “Do you trust me?”

“Is this a test?” he counters, voice lowering. 

“Answer the question.” The command is clipped and Levi’s shoulders straighten. 

Gray eyes search his own. After a moment, he reins the emotion back out of his voice. “Yes.”

“I needed to know that first.” Erwin lets his head fall back into the cushioning and stares at the fire. He had become the greatest con-man, all at the highest ranking military position. He offers a silent apology to Levi, even as he feels his eyes on his profile.

“You’re something else tonight.” Erwin ignores the comment. 

“This was your first military ball, your first time to the Capital since you joined the Corps, and your first public appearance as Captain with the top brass. So? If nothing has changed between us as you’ve said, it shouldn’t be a problem for you to be honest with me.”

Levi shoots him a resentful glare, but registers the equal plane Erwin was offering him. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts, picking up the tea cup in that peculiar fashion of his. “Speak freely,” Erwin encourages, gentler. He blows over his own cup before taking a long sip. 

“Why didn’t you do it?” he asks quietly. 

There it was. Of all the things Levi could have chosen to comment about, to ask, anything at all about the course of events from that night; it was ultimately not what Erwin did or said, but what he didn’t. 

“Because I saw your face across the room and changed my mind.”

“You’ve never let me stop you from doing what you needed to do before. You’ve endangered yourself and possibly the entire Corps.”

“I have other ways to resolve this. With better odds. Just give me some time.”

Levi’s expression softens slightly around his piercing stare. The firelight dances shadows around his body. “I think you’re a little bit drunk.”

“I think I am too.” He sets down his cup a bit too loudly and smiles.

“I’m going to stay here.”

Erwin stands. “Suit yourself.” 

He goes to bed that night with Levi firmly planted in the same seat, staring wistfully at the fire.


	3. Chapter 3

Levi lies face down in bed, in the place his right arm used to be, watching his profile and listening to him read. Gray eyes blink glassily in the candlelight, heavy with utter devotion and something else he dares not name. Erwin pauses when he sees ink black hair spill onto the pillow and his body go lax. His even breathing is the only sound punctuating the air. 

Erwin silently closes the book and places it aside. The candle across the room on his bureau is within centimeters of its life now. He sinks back into the headboard and watches it slowly die, unwilling to disturb Levi. He observes the room, now filled with signs of them both. Mud. Water. Boots. Their scattered clothes on the floor. Papers and letters. Levi would undoubtedly curse and go into one of his cleaning bouts in the morning. In some ways, things hadn’t changed one bit. This was something he could take comfort in. 

“Your thoughts are loud,” comes the grunt beside him. 

Erwin looks down to see Levi’s face upturned towards him. “Sorry,” he mutters softly, trailing the gentle arc of his neck with his gaze. He wanted to touch him.

Dark eyes catch the flinch of his right arm. “Does it still hurt?”

Erwin squeezes his shoulder. “Sometimes,” he replies honestly, a bitterness settling into his chest. 

“Were you reaching for me?” Levi’s voice is calm; neither accusatory, nor wishful. 

Erwin stares at the place his right arm used to be. It had surely gone to hell ahead of him. 

“Hey.” Firm fingers gently pry his hand off his stump. Slowly, very slowly, Levi brings his remaining limb closer and presses his hand against the curve of his own jawline. The skin was shockingly warm. “Come here,” he beckons quietly, pulling his sleeve down. 

Erwin suddenly finds it hard to breathe. He carefully curls his body over Levi’s and haltingly stretches his fingers, stroking the fine hairs on the back of his neck. Gray eyes lid slightly. God help him. What were they doing? 

They stare at one another and Erwin finally whispers, “Is this what you want?” 

A slight grimace flitters across Levi’s features as he continues looking up at him intently. You know what I want, as if he’s willing him to realize. 

Erwin did know. Deep down, he had always known. It made every decision he had made, every action he had taken during the war far, far worse. He was the worst. He said this much.

Without breaking his gaze, Levi pushes him down and sits up in one graceful, fluid motion, pulling his shirt over his head. Erwin’s breath hitches at the sight of his naked skin. His heart begins battering in his chest from the inside out. 

Levi’s voice starts low, shadowing him in darkness as the candle finally tapers out. “I’m going to show you that you aren’t alone,” he asserts into his ear, breathless. “Give me these burdens you hold onto. I’m taking them.”

 

Erwin doesn’t know how much time passes, but his brain addles slowly and unhelpfully that the sun has risen and fallen at least once behind the bedroom curtains. Rain and fog continue to shield them from the outside world. Levi tells him all sorts of things with his body. How much he loved him, how he only planned on being with him, how it could just be the two of them forever from here on in. 

You, I just want you, every touch seemed to say. I’ve always wanted you. At some point Erwin starts weeping, unbeknownst to himself, until the tears run dry and Levi is weeping and laughing with him. A pair of fools they were. The war was finally over.

They listen to the rain pommeling the roof, the staccato rhythm against the other side of the high wooden beams strangely soothing to him. 

“They don’t match,” Levi remarks offhandedly, staring upwards. 

“Hm?”

“The wood.”

“Titans,” he offers.

“... Titans,” he repeats contemplatively. 

“Shall I stain it?”

A pause. Levi rolls over onto him. “Maybe later.” 

The shock of warm skin on either side of his ribs makes him shudder. Erwin feels his voice drop lower as he grips his hip bone. “I don’t think I can come anymore.” Even as he says this, his body betrays him and cants upwards, grinding into Levi’s form. 

Levi hisses hard as he slips inside easily. A flush of heat surges to Erwin’s head as their hips buck together frantically. He couldn’t come anymore. He couldn’t. Levi squeezes his eyes shut and begs. It felt so good. He couldn’t, he couldn’t.

 

When the sun is nearly directly overhead, Levi drags their sheets outside and vigorously washes them in the basin. Erwin had seen traces of blood soiled amongst sweat and come earlier. He dutifully helps and hangs their clothing in the sunlight as best he can with one arm. Levi moves slower than normal around the courtyard and eventually makes his way towards him. 

“Take this end.” They spread the bedsheets over the line. As he pins the cloth down, Erwin steps closer and closer until they’re touching. 

“How’s your body?” he asks softly.

Levi’s eyes lid slightly, almost peacefully, and he finishes his side. “I’m not a woman, you know.” 

Erwin hums thoughtfully. “I seemed to have noticed.”

Levi jabs an elbow into his side and Erwin smiles. He touches Levi’s face and they kiss against one another. Levi leans up, gently pulling him down by the longer part of his hair. 

“I’m good,” he sighs into him. “Shit, I’m more than good, Erwin.”

Erwin holds onto him tightly and thinks he could get used to this. 

 

After they share a meal, he watches Levi light a candle as evening falls. “I have something for you.” A thick, heavy book appears from his riding bag and he hands it over to Erwin. 

“Oh? What’s this?”

“It’s a history book. The one they’re using in the orphanage now.” Levi watches Erwin’s face carefully. 

Erwin stares at the cover. Levi’s eyes don’t leave him, even as he lifts the tea cup to his lips. “It’s only the first edition. I figured- no, Historia suggested- perhaps you can write the second. It’s not all there I assume, what we went through.”

Erwin opens it to a chapter at random and reads the first line about the Survey Corps. He sees his name. His memories flash to his father’s classroom, the sound of dying horses, his subordinates’ entrails. Thousands upon thousands had died to uncover the truth, to free them, to write the book in his very hand. Sitting back, he chooses his words carefully. “My father…” His voice drifts off quietly for a moment. Levi stays silent, letting him continue. “My father would have wanted to see this.” 

The sound of cicadas fills the empty air. Levi sits up a little straighter, tone taking on a deeper, military edge. “Don’t you think this keeps their memories alive? You and I are here so no one forgets.” 

Erwin looks across the table to Levi. To the man who loved him. Even now, after all these years, he still looked at Erwin like he was his entire world. 

“We should honor them by living, huh?” he murmurs, vision blurring. 

“Erwin.” The voice is firm, absolute. “After you finish writing, you can let this dream go.”

Erwin lets the words reverberate through his mind. He had come full circle. There was nothing left for him now. He nods and lifts his eyes. “And you? What about you, Levi?” 

Levi gazes back at him and smiles; a small, rare sight of beauty. He hides it behind his teacup, weathered gray eyes dancing with warmth over the rim. Erwin’s chest twists and swells painfully. 

“It’s cold down here. I’m going upstairs.” He gets up from the chair and places the delicate ceramic in the sink. Softer, he says over his shoulder, “Don’t make me wait too long.” Erwin watches him leave the room and smiles gently to himself. He blows out the candle and tucks the book under his arm. It didn’t feel so heavy after all. 

 

***

 

The last time Erwin drinks black tea with Levi outside of the military is at a town halfway between headquarters and Sina. Levi has his feet propped up onto the empty chair at their table and his arms folded. Erwin leans back into the sturdy wood, relaxing as he watches their driver tend to the horses outside. 

The inn owner emerges from the basement, a stocky, burly man, carrying dried meat on a metal hook. He moves behind the counter and starts preparing it with his largest carving knife. Erwin leans his head slightly in observance of Levi’s face and follows his gaze to the bar. 

“Something of interest to you?”

Levi meets his eyes. They are dark and pensive today, no doubt a result of their meeting in the Capital. All the same, his eyes lose their edge when they look up at him. They’ve looked at him that way for years now. He puts down his cup. 

“What kind of shit do people on the surface usually put in a basement?”

The corners of Erwin’s lips upturn slightly. “Ah. I’m sure it’s only our basement in Shiganshina that has what you speak of. Most families use the cellar to hang meat and store wine if they can afford it.”

“And how would you know?”

Erwin takes another sip, letting the warm liquid course over his tongue. “I use mine for that purpose.”

That catches Levi off guard and he can’t stop his eyebrows from rising. “You’re saying you own a house.”

“Yes. In Trost.”

“Why not live there then?”

“It’s a matter of convenience.” He had originally bought it to spend the winter months resting his mind and body when expeditions were fewer and far between. It mostly fell into neglect after his promotion.

Levi hums shortly in response. “You’ve been holding out on us. What other riches do you have, Commander?”

Erwin huffs lightly and apologizes. “I don’t go back often. It sustained some damage when the titans broke through. Once the repairs are finished, I’ll be sure to invite you over for dinner.”

“Who knows how many months that’ll be?” Levi deadpans. “The city’s on the verge of collapse.”

Like so many things now, Erwin asks Levi to lessen his burdens. “Remind me if I forget.”

“Don’t worry, Erwin. I’ll hold you to it. I’ll do you one better and even show up when you least expect it.” 

“Wonderful. I look forward to it.” Levi rolls his eyes, mouth quirking in amusement. 

 

Levi’s silent again in the carriage, sitting opposite him with his arms crossed and one leg supported gracefully over the other. Erwin had long stopped viewing the scenery back when he was squad leader in favor of keeping up with paperwork. Levi, however, never failed to watch the landscape move slowly across and beyond the window, carefully observing each little town and house lining the main road. 

He must have never owned anything of real value in his life, Erwin surmises. He watches Levi bask in the quickly fading sunlight, the pink, lavender, and yellow hues outlining his solid presence. Levi catches him staring too long and searches his eyes. 

Erwin just shakes his head and smiles, joylessly. It’s nothing, he silently communicates, lowering his eyes. Their knees are mere centimeters apart and he thinks, not for the first time, about reaching across that expanse. It was a threshold neither he nor Levi had the emotional breadth to cross. It lingered unspoken between them, always, making itself loudest when they were alone together. 

Had he been born a different man… Well. 

The carriage crosses onto the road to headquarters and he schools his face blank and straightens his back. His administrative assistant and two other soldiers meet him at the entrance, saluting immediately when he exits first. 

“Commander Erwin,” Hirschfeld announces loudly, “several reports came in that require your immediate attention.” Erwin exchanges the papers in his hand with Hirschfeld, who takes them immediately. He spares Levi a curt nod before briskly walking across the courtyard, the soldiers escorting him at his heels. 

He can feel Levi’s eyes on his retreating figure before he too, is gone. 

“Retrieve my personnel file from the business bureau,” he tells Hirschfeld.

“Sir!” he barks, parting right away. 

The candles in his office are already lighted. He tosses the reports down on the only empty surface of his desk and takes off his uniform jacket. He’s halfway through one of the notices when the file he requested is handed to him. 

“Can I get you any dinner, Commander?” 

Erwin looks up and smiles tiredly at Hirschfield. “No, thank you. You’re dismissed for the night.”

After his subordinate closes the door, he sighs, turning the dark green folder a few times in his hands before opening it. Erwin pulls out his will. It was mostly empty, as he had intended it many years back. He had signed his residence to be sold or passed to the Corps upon his death. 

Pen dipped into ink, he pauses over the parchment. And replaces the line with Levi’s name. He folds a separate letter into the same envelope, addressing it to Levi. 

‘I’m sorry. I had wanted in that moment to ask you to stay forever. 

I hope we can be together in the afterlife.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sigh. I miss Erwin.


	4. Chapter 4

It starts slowly. First, a sofa appears, utterly alone with its back to the wall, in an otherwise bare room. Then, a cocktail table with deep chestnut hues shows up one day in front of it. The weeds disappear in the courtyard one week, replaced by garden beds the next. Two chairs suddenly materialize on the porch. There’s no shortage of firewood now, always freshly chopped and stacked high against the back of the house. When Erwin opens a kitchen drawer, there are cutting knives he’s never seen. An abundance of spoons show up too: large, small, deep, long. Different plates appear. He has no idea where the ones he used to have went. 

It occurs to Erwin one day the stale air from the reconstruction is gone as well, replaced with a different scent, one he can’t seem to place the name of. Maybe it’s the smell of the wood stain. He hasn’t seen an exposed beam in a long time. Or maybe lemon and vinegar. The floor is scrubbed frequently enough and spotless down to every corner. Maybe it’s the lingering aroma of food cooked every day in the kitchen. 

Walking through the house once felt haunting. The same rooms invite him now with a warmth and intimate comfort he had never thought possible. 

Levi had moved his desk into the unused room across the stairs for more sunlight. Erwin spends a few hours each day editing and rewriting the text. Sometimes, if he can’t sleep, he continues into the night. Levi stays close to him when this happens, resting in a chair against the wall. It’s not unlike the nights they spent together all those years in his old office. 

 

The sound of steel and horses’ hooves wakes Erwin particularly hard one night. When he opens his eyes, green fields vanish, replaced with the ceiling of his house. He stares up in the dark, cold sweat pooling at his back, and has to listen carefully to the sounds outside. Nothing. He lies painfully still on the bed. Levi’s on his side, sleeping beside him.

None of this was supposed to happen. He should have died in the war. He can’t help but think it would be better if he were dead. 

By some will of the universe, he had been chosen to live while everyone around him fell by his own hand. A surge of shame and resentment fills him. Was this his punishment? A way to settle his debts? To suffer the cruelty of long life, be tormented by memories of the dead for the rest of his existence?

Why did they give Levi to him? To remind him of his sins? For Erwin to further his suffering? He reaches for Levi, touching him to numb his pain, wrapping his fingers around his bare hip. He applies pressure, pushing him onto his back.

Levi wakes immediately, hand flying over the side of the mattress. He freezes when he sees Erwin above him; gray eyes wild with confusion, skin marked, and inky hair spilling every which way on the pillow. Erwin thinks there will never be a man as beautiful and dangerous. The knife clatters to the floor and he reaches up to roam strong fingers over his chest. Searching, Levi was always searching his body for wounds. 

“Shit. Don’t scare-”

Erwin kisses him quiet, tasting him thoroughly with his tongue. Levi squirms under his hand, still pushed down hard on his pelvic bone. He keeps it there, silently conveying his want and agony. Levi doesn’t relent, wrestling his legs so that Erwin’s on top of him and between them. He frantically lines them up and Erwin fights back a moan when he spreads his legs as wide as they’ll go. 

Erwin snakes his hand underneath his back to firmly support his neck and pushes in without hesitation. He grips Levi’s nape harder when he throws his head back with a strangled shout. Levi was still slick. 

They fuck with abandon. Erwin angles his hips down until he has Levi screaming. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut and uses his strength the entire time, one hand wedged hard against Erwin’s right shoulder to support his weight, the other digging into the flesh of his backside, pulling him deeper. The headboard slaps loudly above them and he thinks remotely of moving the bed further away from the wall.

He comes quickly. Cold washes over him but he can’t stop, burying his seed as deeply as he can, impossible as he knows it is for Levi to carry his child. Levi quivers relentlessly when he finally stills. They don’t release one another, both violently out of breath. Still hard between them, Levi slowly rolls his hips against his cock. Erwin moans.

Levi licks his ear and presses his lips into it. “Give it to me,” Levi whispers. Erwin doesn’t know if he means sex or his own pain. “It’s mine as much as it’s yours.”

They make love slower the next time and Levi’s mouth doesn’t leave his. It’s too intimate, too private; he’s never been so naked. 

Levi presses small kisses against his lips, chaste, over and over again, until sleep starts to take him. He doesn’t let go, even as they’re both filthy, flushed red and oiled with sweat. Erwin walks that foggy brink with Levi wrapped close to him. 

“I love you” he hears, just barely, pressed against the lobe of his ear before he loses consciousness. 

 

Lying with Levi wasn’t what he had pictured in his head. His mind had pinned his soldier, then in the early years of the war, as a lover who sought absolute control. In the latter years, then his Captain, one who wanted to be controlled. He’d watch deft hands press lightly against parchment, firmly grip his subordinates’ shoulders, and he would wonder. 

It turns out, Levi was what he had always been during the war. His equal. His most trusted confidant. Loyal, devoted, attentive. He gave and took alike. Protected him and allowed himself protection. His friend. 

He writes this into the book, albeit omitting everything that has come to pass between them after the war. He hears voices outside the corner window and takes a break, carefully lighting a cigarette over it. There is no breeze today. 

His house is located on a steep hill. From the second story, he can sometimes make out the edges of the marketplace in good weather. Levi prefers to go when the sun is low and the streets are less crowded like this. Erwin rarely accompanies him, but when he does, Levi is still true to his form in public. Many vendors recognize the former Captain now. They also quickly learn he doesn’t have the propensity for conversation. He never lets anyone give him anything for free, nor will he talk about the past. They’re similar in that sense, but Erwin is still the more recluse of the two. 

He sees Levi stalking back to the house with a cloth sack over his shoulder. He’s taken the long route today, walking along the side of the house and the wall bordering the courtyard. Then Erwin sees the boys. Three with schoolbags, no more than maybe eight or nine. The smallest is teetering on top of the shoulders of the other two, trying to peer over the top of the wall. 

Levi’s voice is sharp, but lacks any real anger. “Oi. What do you think you’re doing?”

Two of the boys immediately flee upon seeing him, leaving the third to fall hard on the ground. Levi squats down by the child and grabs him by the back of the collar when he tries to scramble away. He’s covered in dirt. 

“Calm down, brat. I’m not going to hurt you.”

The boy jolts a bit, as if recognizing who he’s speaking to for the first time. “You’re Captain Levi.” Though he can’t see from this angle, Erwin imagines Levi’s deadpan expression and smiles. “You are, aren’t you? I saw you once. You flew over my school with 3D Maneuver Gear. Everyone saw it.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Erwin quickly subtracts part of the boy’s likely age and tries to deduce when Levi would have been seen in this part of the city so far from the gate.

“Have you come to visit the Commander?” 

Levi stands up and lets go of his shirt. “He’s not the Commander.”

“This is his house, right? People say he’s been back. We just wanted to see what he looks like.”

“Tall. Blonde. Scary mug. Run off now.” Erwin puts out his cigarette and hides his grin. He starts to walk back inside. “And he only has one arm right? Is he okay living by himself?”

Levi stays silent. It doesn’t bother Erwin anymore, but he knows Levi well enough that it probably bothers him. So that’s what everyone around here thinks of Erwin, is what Levi will silently infer. 

The boy looks at Levi’s face and backpedals. “Sorry… that was a rude question.”

Levi picks up the boy’s schoolbag and pushes it into his chest. “Go to school. Don’t come climbing here.” The child flies around the corner and disappears.

 

The boy’s mother catches him just as he’s about the enter the house about a week later and apologizes. Erwin’s already halfway into the front door so he quickly feigns ignorance and graciously offers thanks that none of the children got hurt attempting the climb. 

“He’s been up to no good since his father passed.” Erwin keeps his face straight and prays the boy’s father wasn’t a soldier. “He’s always looked up to the Survey Corps, like my husband did.” 

Silently relieved, Erwin nods and smiles politely. “I’m glad.” 

The woman lingers a bit and finally presses out, “If you’d ever like to come over for dinner, we’d be happy to have you. It would... be nice to have the company of another adult for a change.”

She laughs a bit at herself and Erwin can see where she’d be an attractive companion. It’s not the first time he’s been approached by eligible women. He chooses his next words carefully. “I appreciate the offer. Let me talk to my better half about it.” 

Erwin watches her expression falter a bit, but she quickly smiles. “Ah, I didn’t know you had someone - of course, of course, you should both come - let me know anytime!”

They bid one another farewell and he shuts and locks the door with a sigh, mask falling. He finds Levi on the porch, feet propped up onto the second chair and drinking tea pensively. He looks to be deep in thought, staring across the courtyard at the opposite wall. Grays eyes lift and look him over. 

“Erwin.” 

Erwin runs the back of his hand briefly over Levi’s cheek in greeting. “Sorry I’m late; it took longer than I expected.” He removes his jacket and taps his boot. Levi takes his feet down and goes inside to fetch a cup for him. Erwin drags the chair over. 

“Thank you.” He accepts the tea and Levi takes his seat again beside him, resting his elbows over his knees. The sky is slowly darkening now. 

“I have news,” Levi starts, voice devoid of emotion. “The Survey Corps is moving base to beyond the wall in one year.”

Erwin takes a sip. “To the location I sent you to before.”

“Yeah. After winter.” Erwin sits back to consider this carefully. He had known it was coming. “Four-eyes wants to see you about it,” Levi continues. “She’s already tried to convince me to go, so it’s your turn next.” 

Erwin laughs quietly. “All right.” 

“How was it today?” Levi asks, turning to look at him fully for the first time. 

“The Crown is struggling to keep all the outside settlements in the fold. She’s asking for counsel.” 

Levi hums shortly. “It’s a lawless country out there. You would need to live in Mitras then.” 

“I suppose that’s the idea.” 

Silence falls between them. The song of the cicadas crests and drops. Erwin looks out at the flower beds. Buds have already started to sprout. Levi’s voice becomes very reserved, soft almost. “What will you do?” 

Erwin thinks about the chestnut color of the living room table and Levi sitting in the sunlight of his office. He remembers the spoons in the kitchen drawer and the smell of the house in the morning. “What did you want to do when the war ended, Levi?" 

“Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?”

“Because I never had a plan. I want to know yours.” 

Levi stares off into the distance again, eyebrows furrowed. Erwin can sense he’s about to sidestep his question so he leans forward and takes one of Levi’s hands. “Be honest with me,” he murmurs. He could feel the tension in the bones of his wrist. 

“I’m not like you, Erwin. I don’t think that far ahead. When the war ended, I didn’t expect you to resign so soon.”

Erwin understands now. He had left Levi, the only one he had personally brought into the Corps, without a way out. “I’m sorry. I should have known. Instead, I sent you away.” 

“I knew it the moment you did. You weren’t planning on coming back.” 

“Yes. I knew you would. I’m sorry my decisions always seem to be a source of suffering for you.”

“Stop spouting bullshit. No one makes me do anything I don’t want to, not even you.”

Erwin smiles. “No, I’m afraid not.” He squeezes Levi’s hand. “Thank you. For being with me all these years.”

Levi looks at him long and hard then, eyes shining with concern. “Bastard. You’re talking as if this is goodbye and you haven’t even heard my answer yet. Didn’t you want my honesty?” Erwin smiles sadly, meeting his eyes in earnest. “The war’s over. I don’t care where we go or what we do. As long as I can be with you, Erwin, nothing else matters.”

Erwin lets go of his hand and cups his face. “That can’t be your dream,” he coaxes gently. “Didn’t you want to live freely? Breathe the air beyond the walls? Levi.”

“I’ve seen it already. The ocean, the mountains. And the entire time I was there, all I kept thinking about was what you would say or what you would do, like you were some dead person who couldn’t be there with me.” His voice wavers and water reddens his eyes.

Erwin kisses him gently, the taste of salt stinging his tongue. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he whispers into his lips, over and over, bringing them closer. His heart twists painfully in his chest. Alive. Heavy. So this is what it means to be in love. 

Levi wanted all these years to see the world with him. And he just wanted to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure how (or if) I wanted to continue after last chapter, but I have an ending in my head of where I want to take this. I'll try my best to get the story there. Originally, I thought of switching to Levi's perspective this chapter, but Erwin's line of thought is probably more similar to mine. I suppose it's my way of keeping him alive and letting him go. Let's see what they decide next chapter.


End file.
